Today was 3 weeks since Mackenzie passed away. Today was also the first full day by myself. Just me and the kids. It was an alright afternoon. We got groceries and watched a movie. But I just couldn't shake the feeling that this was it. It had really hit me today. I really am going to go through this life without Mackenzie. I started to think of every aspect of my life. And I thought of what I am going to miss most. And I thought , well, who am I going to talk to? When something exciting happens, who am I going to tell? When I read something interesting on the news, who do I call? When the kids say something hilarious, who will get to know? I also looked at my kitchen and wondered when I ever cleaned up. Then I remembered it was when an hour before Mackenzie came home. Well, I guess I have to work out a better system.
As you can see, it was just building up. Then the kids were taking forever to go to bed and I just shut myself in my room and cried. I tried calling my branch president, but he wasn't around. And so I called a good friend. We talked and afterwards I went onto lds.org. And there it was. A message right for me. This message was for ME.
Okay, until I figure out what to do, I know how to put it on but it looks so huge. So go see for yourself. It's called You're Never Alone
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I'm sorry you had such a sad day. I've tried to put myself in your place several times these past few weeks, and even with my fairly active imagination, I am certain I haven't come close to your new reality.
ReplyDeleteYou can always call me when you have something funny/sad/or newsy to tell, you know. Its not the same, but I'm here.
Oh Sarah,
ReplyDeleteever since I first heard the news on the day of the accident my stomach has been in knots thinking about you. I imagine your circumstances applied to my own little family, and I know that my whole life would change if I was suddenly left without Shaun. The big things, the little day to day things - everything would be different. I'm so glad that you started up this new blog. Even though you're far away, I feel like I'm able to be with you in some way by reading it. You are never alone, although it must feel so terribly lonely sometimes. Know that I am one of your supporters standing along the side of the road cheering you on - and I know that there are many others. Whatever you want to share, whatever you need to get off your chest, we'll be here to listen and respond. Courage mama, you're stronger than you know.