So having Adam sleep in my bed and coupling that with my back being in a lot of pain resulted in this rant. I was thinking about this a lot. But I think this post is an answer to what someone said to me. I know that a lot of people have no idea what to say in these situations. But here is what not to say.
I don't like advice. I don't like hearing,"Oh,keep your chin up. Or why are you so sad when you know the plan? Or don't worry, be happy!" That last one really irked me.
So I tried to think of a scripture that I could relate to. And I thought of one story in the bible. The story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Lazarus had died and Mary and Martha were in pain. The Savior came to see them. And when He did, Mary and Martha spoke of how they knew they would see their brother again. They had a testimony, they knew, and they were still in pain. The Savior did not belittle their pain or grief. Instead, He heard their testimony and when He saw Lazarus, He wept!
If you are unsure of what to say to me, I like being treated like how I was before. Spoken to like a regular person, or you can say what you miss most about Mackenzie. Or how he affected your life. But I do not need unsolicited advice.
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Wow, all the answers really are in the scriptures, aren't they? Nobody likes to be treated like they're broken (even if you might sometimes feel that way...).
ReplyDeleteIt's a difficult thing to reconcile - knowing everything will be okay and feeling the pain all at the same time, but you'll grieve and then move forward in a line upon line, here a little, there a little kind of way. Just takes time, is all, but then you already know that.
Until then, there's always drugs. For your back, I mean. (What did you fellow blog readers think I meant? Drugs iz real bad.)
Oh, don't make me laugh, Tracy. My back hurts too much.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I have yet to loose someone really close to me, and I do feel a little bit akward around those who have. I want so badly to help, and yet I also don't want to say something, or do something that might make things worse. One of the biggest regrets of my life was when my best friend's Dad was dying of cancer. She called me because she needed someone to talk to, and I felt like I needed to try and say something that would make her feel better and give her hope. It was just the wrong thing to do. What she really needed me to do was just listen and be there for her. If only I could go back in time and do things differently . . .
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry if I've ever offended you Sarah, that would be the absolute last thing that I would want to do. Thanks for just throwing it out there and telling us what you don't want to hear - it makes it so much easier than trying to guess all the time!
I loved your parallel with the story of Lazerus (I'm pretty sure I spelled that wrong). One of my favourite pictures of President Hinkley was one that was taken at his wife's funeral. In the picture he is clearly overcome with grief. I can remember thinking to myself, if anyone has a testimony of the plan of salvation and eternal families it's got to be him, and yet even after spending 50+ years together as well, here he is clearly devasted at the loss of his wife. Having a testimony doesn't mean that you're not going to miss them terribly, and feel sad at their loss. And being sad and greiving doesn't mean that you don't have a testimony of the plan of salvation.
And now the back-pain: is that because Adam's sleeping in your bed? I don't know what it is, but whenever one of our kids climb into bed with us it always seems like a heel or an elbow somehow works it way into my back and man, little kids have pointy little extremities!
I don't like unsolicited advice at the best of times, so I am sure that when something like this has happened it is extra painful.
ReplyDeleteAnd knowing the Plan is a great comfort. Absolutely. But it doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel sad about being apart, or about the way your life is changing. That doesn't lessen your testimony at all.
And 'don't worry, be happy'? Are you kidding me? I am pretty sure I would have gotten physical with that one.